I’m not a fan of greeting cards. I think of them as an quick emotional wank, printed in some girlie script, decorated with insulin-inducing fluff graphics, neatly packaged with a
color-coordinated envelope. Please, just save that $2.99 and show me that you really care with a personally written (or typed) note. Or pick up a phone. I don’t care what a Hallmark employee has to say. What do you have to say?
My family, though, is a family of greeting card devotees. My grandparents were, especially. Having an occasion come up with no greeting card to accompany it–well, that would be like Thanksgiving without turkey…Christmas without a tree…a birthday without cake. Just wrong. So, for them I give in and put aside my personal disgust for greeting cards.
Mom’s birthday is coming up, so while making a pit stop at the local drug store I decided to scan the card aisle and find the least nauseating “Happy Birthday Mother” card that they have (and it was literally a “pit stop”…I was there to buy some deodorant). As my eyes ran over the sea of flowers, pastels, and ribbons my gaze tripped over into a different section. It wasn’t “Happy Birthday Father,” “Happy Birthday Sister” or “Happy” anything section. It was something that made me realize that this is 2007 and I live in Los Angeles. It was the “Treatment and Recovery” section or as I like to call it, the Lohan/Sambora/Winehouse/Downey Jr. section.
Curious, I just had to see how Rehab has become a Hallmark moment. Of course, Hallmark let me down. Some watered-down, limp handshake of a message of “seeking strength” blah blah blah. Oh, and flowers–you need to have flowers.
Hallmark has actually widened their dominion over events and occasions. If you’ve been waiting for the right card for one of these moments you are now in luck:
- Difficult birthday
- Addiction recovery
- Eating disorders and diet support
- Depression
- Job loss
- Coming out
- Leaving a bad situation
- Quitting a bad habit
- Empty nest
Maybe I’m weird. Perhaps a bit chilly in the coronary area. I think, however, the bigger the bum out the more wrong it is to have Hallmark say if for you for the affordable price of $2.99. Sure, the card might say “I wish you strength during this difficult time.”
What the card really says, though, is “Hey, I was picking up some Doritos, tampons and Q-Tips and then remembered you’re in Rehab when I was looking at the magazine rack. That totally sucks! Calling or writing to you would be kinda awkward–but I wanted to let you know that I care.”
Who knows which categories will show up in the near future?
- Bad Date
- Parking Ticket
- Home Foreclosure
- Tattoo Removal
- Reality TV Show Loss
- Congrats on Selecting a New Religion
Please don’t hold back on telling those special people that you care. Just don’t wuss out and let Hallmark do it for you.
1 response so far ↓
1 Coasto // Oct 8, 2007
i recently saw these at CVS:
sorry your reality show got cancelled card
your new boobs look real card
sorry one of your new boobs collapsed card
sorry i blew you off i met a guy and you know how it is card
sorry the whole vegan thing didn’t work out for you card
sorry you’re new in town from the midwest and you didn’t realize that was a racist thing to say card
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