I should start off by saying this: The two Euro hostesses and the bartender girl in the leather jacket were very nice.

Now the rest of the story:

We had previously tried to go here with a group of friends, I think there were 7 of us. We had reservations for a table for 7, and they tried to force us to eat at the indoor sushi bar. If you are hanging out in a group of 7, it’s tough to have good dinner conversation when 5 of you are facing the wall and the other two are facing everyone else. When we requested a table (the one we had reserved) we were told there was no table and they only had the sushi counter available. We got up and left, headed down to the World Cafe and had a nice dinner.

Last weekend I decided to give it another try, just the girlfriend and I. We had parked on Abbot Kinney and checked out all of those restaurants, but really every place and person we saw was overly obnoxious and pretentious. I’m pretty sure when east coasters move to LA and hate it immediately, it’s because someone dragged them down Abbot Kinney.

We decided to walk up to Main Street to see if we could get a table at the Hidden Restaurant. It would have to be easier with just two people than it was for 7. We arrived, I told them I didn’t have a reservation, and the hostess told me that a table should be opening up soon, and if we wanted to wait at the bar she would come get us. Sounds good. We wade through the sea of heating lamps and douchebags and make our way to the bar. Every guy here is wearing a shirt with unnecessary stitching. Like here’s a perfectly fine white dress shirt, but you have a Fleur de Lys stitched onto the back. Whatever.

I order two cabernets at the bar, and the leather wearing bartender girl is very nice. We set up camp at the end of the bar and sip our wine while we wait for the hostess to come find us. I close out my card and learn that my cabernets were $15 each. When I order a cabernet sauvignon and don’t call out a winery name, I want a glass of red wine priced at $6 tops. Pricing a glass of your house red at $15 is stupid and unnecessary.

After maybe 10 minutes the nice Euro waitress finds us and leads us to our table out on the porch. We’re sitting on a Pier 1 Imports looking bench and our plates are on what looks to be a lobster trap coffee table. Our waitress is an Asian girl, and I’m only pointing out that she’s Asian because I want everyone to be able to point her out very easily if you for some reason think it’s a good idea to go to the worst restaurant in Santa Monica (my apologies to any other female Asian waitresses that work there.) She is by far the most retarded server I have ever dealt with. We were the only ones eating on the patio, the old guys next to us had gotten their check and were flirting with the middle aged women sitting across from us, the nice couple to our far left was hanging out and drinking wine, and there were three older ladies just hanging out and drinking wine. No stress here, just bring us our pizza (one of the only vegetarian options we could find on the menu) and drinks and we’ll all be happy.

We order a Guinness and a martini, she asks Guinness the beer? Yes Guinness the beer. She returns 1 minute later and asks if we want more wine. No we just ordered a Guinness and a martini. She then returns with our drinks and we tell her we’re going to order a pizza but we want half of it to have no cheese. The whole time we’re ordering she’s looking around and not even listening to us. She says that she thinks the chefs should be able to do that but she’ll go ask. She returns and says that the chefs are not able to make a pizza with no cheese on one half.

The chefs at the Hidden Restaurant don’t know how to make a pizza with no cheese on one half.

Here’s how you make a pizza with no cheese on one half of the pizza: DON’T PUT CHEESE ON ONE HALF OF THE PIZZA. Dominos can do it, so can you. Idiots.

Fine, we order a whole vegetarian pizza. We wait a while for our pizza, and see other people getting bread. When she passes by I ask her if we can get some bread, she looks at me, does not answer, just scowls at me and keeps on walking. Eventually some busboy hands out bread and skips our table. Then our pizza comes. She says, “oh did you still want bread?” Yes, I want you to have to get me bread so you can learn how to not be the worst waitress of all time. She brings us bread and some old guy comes buy and pours a tablespoon of olive oil on my pizza plate. Shithead. We eat the bread and the tablespoon of olive oil because this pizza is like eating a paper plate, and I ask the old guy for more olive oil, he comes by and pours another tablespoon of olive oil on my pizza plate.

At the end of the meal I make fun of her saying “you look stressed” and she doesn’t catch it because she’s the dumbest woman on earth. I tipped less than stellar, I shouldn’t have tipped at all, but $6 to watch this great display of stupidity was well worth it. Cheers. Don’t go to the Hidden Restaurant in Santa Monica ever.

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