Here’s a guest post from our buddy Farley at TheSevenYearPlan.
California Finalizes Plans to Suck at Pro Football
In a breaking development that has come to shock absolutely no one, the state of California has entered into final negotiations to suck at professional football for the rest of eternity. While certainly not groundbreaking, what is surprising is the tenacity and creativity being shown by our nation’s most populous state in their never-ending quest to suck REALLY HARD at pro football.
In a true showing of community solidarity, nearly every major football market is joining in the efforts to make the gorgeous state of California a barren wasteland of talent and opportunity, where possibilities are squandered into the dust and old, overpaid players go to die. The history books and horizon lines are littered with skeletons of once-great careers; even those like Randy Moss who manage to get out alive find that their stat lines were severely diminished while in the charred black heart that is California pro football.
Upon first glance, it certainly seems that Oakland is leading this charge, having been unable to string together any winning seasons, decent head coaches, or coherent sentences in years. Owner Al Davis has been much the benefactor to this latest cause, pumping in thousands of bad ideas and poor draft choices every single year. On the other side of the coin (and the bay), San Francisco has been trying to reverse its image as a game-sucking, life-draining gridiron force, much to the chagrin of California’s other prominently bad teams. With a new-look head coach in Mike Singletary, many out-of-state pundits are beginning to prognosticate a reversal of fortune for the 49ers. However, a quick scratch of this surface optimism reveals a severe lack of wide receiver depth, terrible quarterback play, and a running back (Frank Gore) who began to ferment the moment he joined forces with the red and gold. And with last year’s underwhelming performances, its safe to say that Gore has officially gone bad.
Not to be outdone, however, the San Diego chargers are taking an innovative approach to football suckery. Their plan? To acquire a few good players and prop them up very prominently as poster boys for the ‘revamped’ team. This buys them a couple of wins in the regular season, while whining about referee calls net them a few more. Then, just when fans really start to believe the wheels haven’t fallen off of the LT bandwagon, they orchestrate a groin tear (or shoulder injury, or turf toe…) and bow rather ungracefully from contention. This tearing is not unlike the violent ripping apart of chest cavities throughout Southern California, as the Chargers reach in and crush the feeble hearts of any true San Diego fans left. Such bait-and-switch-with-a-kick-to-the-nuts tactics are winning support among many key California groups dedicated to being as terrible on the field as possible.
However, no city can truly hold a candle to Los Angeles when it comes to hating professional football success. Not only does the City of Angels not even HAVE a professional team (and no, the Lingerie League doesn’t count, Pervy McMannus), they have consistently gone out of their way to make incoming teams leave as quickly as possible. The Rams, the Raiders, the Chargers… Los Angeles loves to suck so hard at pro football that it’s willing to spend millions of dollars on a team, only to see them leave after a few short and painful seasons. However, they truly win the gold medal for being part of the decision to close down the Arena Football League. With the LA Avengers selling tickets for $10 each, and attendance STILL in the single digits, prominent city members made the decision to shut down the indoor, high-flying franchise, taking away their tremendous market share and forcing the rest of the league into foreclosure. One city hating professional football so much that it gets an entire LEAGUE to go under? That takes balls. Horribly thrown, oft-fumbled, never-between-the-uprights balls.
