Kiersten Lyons‘ one-woman play CRUSHED appears at the Underground Theater in Hollywood throughout June.
LA Snark: I found out that Kiersten Lyons also grew up as a girl with bowl cuts in Maryland. What’re the chances?
Besides being on Justified and Grey’s Anatomy, here’s a bit about what she’s been up to since then.
LA Snark: What makes you a LA woman?
The fact that I plan on hiring someone else to raise my future children. No, just kidding I used to be a nanny- I’m gonna kick ass raising my kids.
Probably the fact that I can pronounce LaCienega AND have no use for Hollywood and Highland outdoor mall, yet continually find myself bringing people there…
LA Snark: Who put you up to having a bowl cut as a kid?
My mother- it was all my mother. My little sisters and I all had bowl cuts, thus we all had traumatic early childhoods filled with other mothers mistaking us for boys.
LA Snark: Who turned you onto Full House?
I can’t remember a time without Full House. I’m sure its like electricity for earlier generations. Full House will forever be the single most influential piece of television in my life. When DJ had the eating disorder for 22 minutes not including commercial breaks- I cried so hard. I still cry at it.
LA Snark: Your fave shows growing up?
My parents were really instrumental in showing their five kids great comedy. I remember watching reruns of I Love Lucy, The Carol Burnett Show, and The Dick Van Dyke Show in our family room. I had (and still have) a HUGE crush on Dick Van Dyke. Then Family Ties, The Cosby Show, and Growing Pains in real time.
I was a weird kid who believed I brought a studio audience everywhere I went. I would wait for laugh lines and when I had my first kiss, I was sure there’d be bunch of “ooooooohs!”
Which of course caused me great pain when Randy Taylor had his first kiss. By my tweens and teens ABC was a staple- TGIF and Home Improvement were all I lived for. And when Randy Taylor (aka Jonathon Taylor Thomas) kissed the girl who would later star in a Lifetime movie about gymnastics and eating disorders I lost it. I have NEVER cried that hard.
LA Snark: Fave shows and films now?
I’m about to pee my pants with anticipation for season 3 of Downton Abbey. I will watch the same episode of 30 Rock roughly 14 times in a row, and I have a severe crush on NBC’s Best Friends Forever. I tweet at the creators and stars all the time- I’m hoping they’ll come to my show. I’m equally hoping their show finds a home on USA or some other cable network. It’s seriously one of the greatest female comedies ever!
LA Snark: When did you move to LA?
In the beginning of 2002.
LA Snark: First impressions? How was it switching coasts?
I remember the first time I saw the giant posters against the Warner Bros Lot. I was driving into Burbank (actually my mom was driving) and I just looked up. It was the Friends cast and I just starting tearing up cause I couldn’t believe I was here.
LA Snark: Okay fellow Marylander, what makes you crabby?
This one’s hard- but I would say people who are rude to waiters and LA comics that make fun of homeless people. If I hear one more joke about how they offered a homeless person change and the homeless person yelled at them…
LA Snark: What is your preferred hood in LA and how come?
I was gonna lie and say something cool like, “Loz Feliz and this dive bar where everyone wears tank tops and bowties and every drink comes with a temporary tattoo of a bicycle.”
But honestly I love downtown Culver. I lived around there for a year and I really loved Ford’s restaurant, Big Foot Lounge and Bank of America. I always parked next to Bank of America and so that’s my landmark! Also have you been to Sweet Butter Kitchen in Sherman Oaks- I don’t care how dorky I sound saying something in the valley- its amazing!
LA Snark: How did you get into your chosen profession?
In first grade we did a play called, “The White Rabbit Who Wanted Red Wings.” I was cast as Mrs. Puddleduck. I was pissed and have spent the rest of my life trying to prove to Mrs. Atkins that I should have been the white rabbit.
LA Snark: Best and worst auditions in LA?
Best- The Closer. I had to push the appointment til the next day because a girl tried to put highlights in my hair and it looked like a carrot pooped on my head.
I guess the sides had changed a bit. So I went into the audition and did the part and just stared at Bruce Newberg for his next line. After about 30 seconds he said, “it’s your line” and I was still in character and said, “No, its yours” He was like, “what? I thought your starring was a choice. Lemme get you the new sides.” When I went to the producers I ended up seeing a girl who’d had her own CW show and thinking, “not gonna get this” so I didn’t care. I ended up booking it.
Worst- It was for a CBS drama… I had one line, “No” I was supposed to be getting attacked. Somehow I ended up making a fist, shaking it in the air and yelling “Noooooooo!” with a British accent. Mortifying…
LA Snark: Best and worst dates in LA?
I’ll start with the worst: The day of the date he had me call him at “the club” which turned out to be the Beverly Hills Country Club and he was in the “Smoking Room.” When I met him for a drink that night he was already a little buzzed. He told me that’d he’d gotten us a table for dinner.
When the hostess sat us he said, “that was so awkward” and then proceeded to tell me he’d helped her get an audition, she’d gone to the audition with no underwear, the casting director had called him to tell him she had a very nice lady bits and that he should sleep with her, so he did.
He then ordered a bottle of wine after having 3 double vodkas on the rocks and told me he couldn’t wait for me to meet his mom and teach me how to play tennis and golf.
He then followed me to Formosa where a group of my friends were, and my best friend Chris had to practically hump me like it was a middle school dance to get this guy to leave. THEN the guy called and texted for days!
BUT BEST? My first date was with my now husband. It was amazing… I told him I liked him and when I like a guy I can’t eat around them- literally; have no appetite, but I could do soup- he made sure to find a place with good soups.
Then we went for a drive and I had to pee so bad and we couldn’t find a bathroom for forever and finally I went in one of those sketch ones behind a Taco Bell. As I was leaving he took a picture and we still have this blurry picture of me leaving a taco bell outside bathroom. It may be gross to some, but to me its magical.
LA Snark: Which one woman embodies LA to you and why?
Melissa McCarthy all the way. Her and her husband met in Groundlings which is where my husband and I met. I remember a sketch she did at a Groundlings show where she was trying to be a stripper- it was one of the funniest physical comedy pieces I’ve ever seen.
She has kids, lives and works in LA and is so unbelievably talented. I met her very briefly one time- she was so incredibly gracious and we quickly chatted about marriage and funny women. She wouldn’t know me from Adam if I walked up to her- but I really treasure that brief chat.
LA Snark: What are roles do you have coming up or what are your dream roles?
My show, CRUSHED is opening June 15th at The Underground Theater with a Preview on June 11. crushedplay.com
I’ve devoted so much this this show- writing, editing, directing, acting- that after this I’m not sure. I’ve fallen in love with writing so I’d think I’d like to do more of that.
A dream role? Lennon’s little sister on Best Friends Forever. And I desperately want to be in a Sesame Street sketch with Abby Cadabby. I don’t care what you say, that girl is awesome!
Keep an eye on Kiersten to see if she ends up saying any of this stuff and follow her here.
And other bowl cut sporting children of Maryland in LA, please identify yourselves.
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About the author: Hello out there, our lovely “A” from LA Snark’s T&A Do LA column has been swallowed by her job.
In the meantime, I, the “T” will share with you some observations I make about the entertainment we’re dished— and this week about tech stuff in general. To Tele & Film Universe (TOFU: Where you can get a side of estrogen with your entertainment) and beyond.
And yes, I know tofu only has plant estrogen, but go with it here.
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