One of our names begins with T and the other with A – we’re a magical combo representing the front and the back, the best of both worlds, the humps and the lumps. We’re women with similar life paths, who came to Los Angeles ages ago and earned our stripes looking for love among the Hollywood hipsters. We are here to share what we’ve learned with you, with the charm of Southern gals and the smarts of city vixens.
A has dated so many LA guys that she couldn’t come close to naming them all, and sometimes doesn’t recognize them in public.
T has managed not to kill her boyfriend, somehow.
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We flipped flopped on ya–
The A-Side:
Ahhh, Valentine’s Day – that special time when every intersection in LA is filled with makeshift florist stands peddling drooping balloons and sad-faced teddy bears to anyone dumb or desperate enough to stop on their way home from work.
But you gentlemen are much too tasteful to grab a handful of glitter-dusted roses for your lady on your crosstown slog, right? You’re going to get her something more creative, more exotic, more sensual. Something that costs $8.99 at Trader Joe’s. You’re going to get her an orchid.
I’ve received a number of well-meant orchids in my lifetime. How many lived to see a year? None. How many of those relationships lasted that long? Guess.
Some might tell you fellas that delicate-yet-fleshy orchids convey your desire for passionate seduction. You think: What a sexy yet elegant gift that shows my originality and thoughtfulness! And here’s what ladies think: Great, he got me an orchid. God, I’m going to have to take care of it. I’m just going to kill this thing. I should throw it out now. We’ve noted this problem before.
What orchids really say to a woman is: Your beauty will fade like this flower. The death of our relationship is inevitable, like the death of this plant. I’m thinking mainly about your vagina, which is a beautiful blossom that will someday wilt and die.
It goes both ways, because that’s also a metaphor for how we feel about our relationships with thoughtless orchid-givers: may as well end it now, because it’s just going to dry up and then we’ll have to trash it anyway.
Be careful, if you want to keep your lady around: avoid the Curse of the Orchid and don’t give one this V-Day. Or at least get one that’s already cut, so she won’t have to feel guilty about trashing the empty pot along with your relationship.
The T-Side:
A’s right- a finicky plant that you have to attend to its every detail that rarely blooms would remind me of a touchy pain in the butt boyfriend who never blossomed into a real man.
And definitely no orchids from Teleflora. Miss Representation will tell you why. Here’s an excerpt: “After Teleflora’s highly offensive and degrading Super Bowl commercial, which implied that women would exchange sex with any man who could afford a few flowers, hundreds of folks took to Twitter to express their dismay and disgust, using hashtag #notbuyingit.”.
I’m a woman. I think flowers are wonderful, but honestly I’d rather my boyfriend spend money on something I can eat. Yes men, feed your women. If they’re not mental, they like food. I’d rather go pick stuff that looks pretty and smells good on my own, what with the lack of public services in Southern California, I have my choice of overgrown eucalyptus, butterfly plant, hyacinth and sage sprigs down by the “river”. Call me a hippie.
The first Valentine’s Day I had with my boyfriend, he brought home a huge dozen red roses. It’s traditional and emblazoned in his brain, even though he’s a non-traditional guy in every other sense- that this is what men do for V-day. Over the course of the last five years, we’ve decided to alter this course and put those fifty bucks towards a lot of snacks instead of something that will croak and stink up the house in a few days- you know- plant sludge.
So, men, don’t succumb to it- the holiday hoopla. It’s not what some of us more modern women want. There’s phallic symbols and there’s what I’m going to call vagic symbols- orchids, clams, mussels, other so called aphrodisiacs- #notbuyingit. Figure out how to come up with some creative magic of your own.
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